“It was the dreaded single ply toilet paper,” Zach Baldwin exclaims, looking down at his turd finger. 

 “I always use precautionary measure and grab at least triple the amount  of paper I would when using charmin ultra soft…that stuff is like gold to be honest”

Reminiscing the chain of events, Baldwin trembles, “It all started after a family meal at work and I ran to the bathroom.”  His eyes bug, “It was pretty much a replay of the scene of Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels destroys the bathroom.”

Ending with the finishing touches, “then I went to wipe,” terror slaps him across the face, “the toilet paper couldn’t handle the job that was meant for a mop.” 

“It ripped and through slid my terrorized finger.  I went to mummify my hand in more single ply and in my scurried rush my turd varnished finger touched the wall.”  

The interview ends with an unresponsive Baldwin.